Ladylike

I try to spend a lot of time with my mother...if nothing else, it provides essential details on what particular quirks of hers might be manifesting themselves in my character. So, it's sort of like doing preventative research. For instance, she has taken, lately, to wearing a lot of loose, linen dresses. While they suit her, I found myself writing in my notebook "ALWAYS WEAR SOMETHING WITH A DEFINED WAIST. ALSO PRAY THAT YOU WILL NOT GET BUNIONS" as my mother, that day, poked her foot out from under her voluminous frock and said "Look! They're Prada!" And indeed, they were, though also something that you might use as a means to squelch any ideas of sex as the shoe in question was both flat, wide and somewhat unisex in design.

Recently, we were up in San Francisco, celebrating my brothers birthday with some of his friends. I had escaped to a corner to relax for a moment before diving into the social fray when my mother approached. "I heard one of your brother's friends say that horrid word...you know...that one I don't like!"

To be clear, there are a myriad of words that my mother disapproves of. She used to read all of my books in high school before I could get my hands on them and would cross out - with a Sharpie - anything she deemed inappropriate. This could be something as racy as "fuck" to as questionable as "evolution". You just never know what might set her off. So a statement like the above was dubious at best.

"Well, who said what, mom?"
"YOU know...THAT word."
"You're going to have to be more specific."
"Well, the PROPER term is BOSOM."

NOW, we were getting somewhere.

"Did someone say 'boobs', mom?"

At which point, my father walked up. He was several glasses of Absinthe deep and lit up at the mention of breasts.

"WHO'S BOOBS ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?" he said enthusiastically.

Suddenly, going home seemed like the best idea. Because I don't know that there is ever a good time to discuss boobs with one's parents. Is there?