Scrutiny

Me: I’m watching What Not To Wear right now and having a vision of what it would be like if mom were on this show.

My sister: Can you imagine? Clinton would be all “SHOW SOME LEG! DEFINE YOUR WAIST!” And then Stacy would say something about how “the girls” need to be in a better bra.

Me: And the mom would be all “The proper term is BOSOM, and besides, it’s not lovely to refer to those on the air.” You should have heard her at Steve’s birthday party…someone said “Boobs” and I thought she was going to hit them over the head with her practical shoe.

My sister: Was she wearing a straw hat at the time, to protect her face from the sun?

Me: No, but she did ask me if I had loose stools when I told her that I had a headache. Dad, in the meantime, was trying his best to give off the impression that he didn’t know either of us.

My sister: It positively makes her glitter to have this kind of conversation. I’m glad I’m not the only one being subjected to bowel scrutiny.

Me: How do all of our conversations go here? I mean, can’t we be a normal family and talk about football or play Monopoly?

My sister: But you always cheat at Monopoly.

Me: True. That game is just too long…cheating is my survival strategy.

My sister: That and tequila.

Me: Now you’re talking.