Wherein I see my tax dollars at work

My four and a half hour drive home from Santa Barbara went shockingly fast. I don’t know if it was my happy mood, the sunshine or the fabulously bad music I had blaring that made the time fly, but it felt like I was pulling into my drive way within two hours of starting my trip.

I tend to be a fast driver. If there is open road, then I’m going to cover it quickly. It’s called being efficient and in the spirit of passing the buck, I’ll blame the lead foot on my father. However, yesterday, I was the picture of a law-abiding citizen. I’m not sure why, but the highway was crawling with police. It’s as though the Lord Baby Jesus Himself came down from heaven and told the CHP to GO FORTH AND PATROL, and patrol they did. So I very reluctantly eased up on the gas and coasted along at 65mph, a speed at which one might as well be walking, though it did get me home, ticket-free.

North of Pismo Beach, a Mercedes pulled onto the road behind me and proceeded to tailgate at such a range that the driver could have reached through my back window and changed the dial on my radio. It was a tad ridiculous, especially since there was room for him to pass on my left. I eased up on the gas, just to give him a little bit of a scare which temporarily pushed him back, but a few moments later, he was back on my tail, inspecting the contents of my trunk.

There are moments on the road when I wish I had signs that had helpful hints on them that I could press up against the window at fellow drivers. Phrases such as “BACK OFF, DOUCHEBAG” or “LEARN TO USE YOUR FUCKING BLINKER” or “DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHERE YOUR GAS PEDAL IS?” I think some people could really use the assistance, you know? Yesterday, I wish I had the first one. Alas, I didn’t, but I knew that if I was patient, the CHP would take care of this idiot for me.

A moment later, the Mercedes swung around me and throttled off, disappearing around the bend. I was disappointed, knowing that we would have come across an officer of the law shortly who might have pulled him over for hitching a ride on my back bumper. But traffic karma was in my favor. As I rounded the corner myself, I saw a cop pull out from under the overhead bridge, flip on his lights and bring Mercedes DOWN. I wanted to stop and kiss the officer, congratulate him for actually ticketing someone who deserved it, for earning his paycheck and making me happy that my tax dollars were being wisely spent. I was in bliss. And even happier to note that when I passed the idiot in the Mercedes and waved happily at him, a little “la te DA” for being obnoxious back there, that he shook his head and flipped me off. Oh no, sir, fuck YOU.