Be prepared

I'm one of those women who normally doesn't leave the house without applying at least a LITTLE bit of makeup. Mostly because I look like this without it. Also, because you never know when you'll be ambushed by the crew of What Not to Wear or run into Christian Bale.

But a few weeks ago, we were in the midst of a heat wave and looking hot was secondary to remaining cool...makeup wasn't a priority. But walking Kylie was. I figured I wouldn't run into anyone I knew in the middle of the day in Mountain View, seeing as most normal folk are at work. So I donned a pair of huge sunglasses, checked myself once in the mirror, noticed that my hair resembled something closer to a straw bale on top of my head but decided to just fuck it and go.

And so we walked. Or rather huffed and panted, as it was REALLY warm out. The amount of sweat I was creating was rather astonishing, so I tried to hurry Kylie along so that we could get back home and I could shower.

She finally, after sniffing what seemed like each and every leaf, found a place to do her business...she finished pooping and I, of course, bent down to pick it up. Which is when I heard a male voice say "Jen? Is that YOU?"

And I turned to see my VERY HOT old high school boyfriend with his VERY HOT current girlfriend standing next to him. Sweet god. The humiliation was something I just don't have the words for. I think a lot of women have this hope that if/when they run into the first boy that broke their heart that they will look beyond wonderful. That the guy will end up thinking "Hot DAMN, I screwed THAT one up for SURE!"

What they don't want is to be hot, sweaty, and carrying a bag of smelly dog crap. And also looking as though some sort of blond bird has come to roost on the top of their heads. Did I mention I had a brand new pimple on the tip of my nose? I did. And it was screaming "LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME!!!"

Needless to say, the conversation was short. I made a hasty escape, wafting dog poop as I walked off towards home. I'm sure his girlfriend was all "Who was THAT?" to which he replied "Oh, just someone I knew in high school" to which she then said "Well, does she ever SHOWER?"

I almost wished I had said something like "Let's get a drink some time!" because then I would have had the opportunity to redeem myself. Instead, he now has ample relief in having broken up with me years ago...which he did because I wouldn't put out. Now he's just happy he didn't end up with someone who bears a passing resemblance to the swamp thing.

I blame my mother who didn't let me join the Brownies/Girl Scouts, thinking any club would turn me into a Socialist. Isn't one of their mandates "be freaking prepared"? The things I would have learned...