Impressions...

1. You woke up laughing, some exquisite dream having brought you out of sleep with a smile on your face. And it was in that moment, before any words were spoken, as your happiness spilled over onto me and I placed my head on your shoulder, that I knew what perfection was.


2. You are my secret. I looked at you as you opened the wine, prepared the meal, talked about your day and wondered if I took up as much of your mental space as you do mine. It was only later, when my clothes were in a tangled mess on the floor, joined by yours, that you ran a finger down my spine and said “Stay” rather than “Do you think our friends know about us?” which I took as some sort of progress. But the next morning, as we ate and laughed about something only you and I laugh about, you couldn’t look at me. And I knew, then, you had crossed over your own boundary. So I wasn’t surprised when, rather than kissing me when I left, you playfully slapped my bottom and said “You were amazing last night…we’ll do it again soon.” The sun was blazing outside, against a clear blue sky, and I felt suddenly cold.


3. I woke before you did and silently dressed, kissing the spot between your shoulder blades before heading out to the living room. It wasn’t dawn yet, and I curled into myself on the couch, the hot tears coursing down my cheeks as I shoved my fist into my mouth to keep my misery from bleeding out of me. You came out later, saw my swollen face and knelt down, waking me from an exhausted sleep. “Come back to bed,” you whispered, pulling me up and into your neck where I sighed, too tired to resist even though the night before we had decided that this would be the last time for everything. What we hadn’t realized was that the pain was just beginning, and so we clung to one another, trying to memorize what was familiar and good so that we would be able to recognize it the next time around.