You're lying if you love them...

I will never understand women who say “But thong underwear is SO COMFORTABLE!” No, it’s not. You’re lying. There is NOTHING comfortable about digging around all day for the slip of fabric that has been trying to saw you in half since morning. And you can tell me until you’re blue in the face that I just haven’t tried on the right pair. Girl, I’m 32. I’ve tried EVERY pair. And EACH ONE ends up with me trying to find a corner to duck into so that I can dig the fabric out of my ass…and sometimes I just go for it without being shielded, because that is the kind of classy woman I am.

I decided to go to the gym this afternoon. Being that the laundry has been piling up, the only thing left in my undies drawer was an old forgotten thong. I couldn't recall what kind of relationship I had with this particular garment. Did I like it? Had I not thrown it out with the other offending thongs because it did not, in fact, drive me to the liquor cabinet in irritation? Throwing caution to the wind, I put it on, certain that it had survived for a reason.

It would seem that that was not the case.

Two minutes into the car ride to the gym I began squirming around, the thong having decided that it needed to further investigate the recesses of my butt crack...and so WHEE! Up it went! About 10 adjustments later, one consisting of me rearing up in my seat and digging around in my pants at a stop light to GET IT OUT, I arrived at my destination, already sweaty and clearly out of sorts. I exited the car and in the empty parking lot, made some adjustments, you know, where you ride the thong low on your hips in the hopes that it will just STAY PUT? That seemed to work and it behaved all the way into the gym and didn't move as I started my elliptical trainer.

I thought I was in the clear, having made it through the first fifteen minutes of my cardio without incident. And then the thong decided to have some fun...

The thong decided to ride up. Far. So far that no squirming was going to convince it to come down and out into more civilized territory. I was going to have to go in. And so I did - while still on the elliptical because BY GOD this stupid piece of fabric was not going to interrupt my workout. After much rummaging, I got it back into place, but it was not to be defeated. Back up it went in again, and back IN I went, determined to beat the bastard. This went on for some time...long enough for me to finally realize that I was fighting an inanimate object that wouldn't appreciate my resolve.

So I got off, marched over to the front desk and asked for some scissors. I then went into the ladies room where, reaching into my pants, I cut apart one side of the thong, and then the other, ripping it out of my pants and saying "DIE FUCKER!" as I threw it in the trash. I cannot tell you how deeply DEEPLY gratifying that moment was in my life.

After returning the scissors to the front desk, I went back to the elliptical and had a fantastic workout. I'm pleased to say I spent the last half hour humming along to Angels & Airwaves, thong free and in complete bliss! It was lovely!

Too bad for the guy behind me. I think he thought he was getting a free show each time I reached down my pants before I killed my thong. Yep. That's right. I didn't realize he had been there, watching, the ENTIRE TIME. I was going to tell him what I had been fighting with, but I thought, nah, men love the visual of a woman in a thong, so why kill it for him? You see I was in a charitable mood. It was a beautiful day! I was thong free! I try.