Is he or isn't he?

My job as an independent contractor means that part of each month is spent beating money out of people (it’s part of your workout) and then depositing said funds into my bank account. Which means that I spend a fair amount of time at the bank each month… which means that I’m on first name basis with a bunch of the tellers…which means that I know a fair amount about their personal lives.

Except for one thing that has recently been driving me to drink. Well, not really, but I HAVE been spending WAY too much brain-power on it.

Is my favorite bank teller gay?

I can’t tell.

Let’s call him “Jay.” Jay is about 25 and a cute-as-a-bug little Japanese guy who has been here for 10 years, graduated from SJSU state and still works at his job at the bank because the benefits are so great and he likes the hours. I’ve known Jay for about four years and he’s definitely a “hipster” – one reason why I think my gay-dar has been so off. But, let’s examine…there’s more:

1) He wears blue contacts. And they are very obviously contacts, and a shade that no gene pool has ever produced. I finally asked him about them and he said “Well, I saw Paris Hilton’s eyes once in a photograph up close and thought they were SO PRETTY.” Wow. Ok, then.

2) Once we became better acquaintances he would greet me with “Look at my new SHOES! Aren’t they FAB?” and immediately hoist his leg up, Rockette style, to show me his footwear over the counter. I don’t know if I was more thrown off by his use of “fab” or his startling flexibility.

3) Last year, I came in having just recently had my hair cut and blown dry to which Jay said “GIRL! You look HOT! Your man BETTER be taking you out tonight! I know I’d make mine!” aHA! Admission of a boyfriend? Maybe?

4) He has the cutest faux hawk (and I LOVE a faux hawk…I just want to TOUCH them…they are so SPIKY!) with pink tips! PINK. Sometimes they are more purple and once I think they were green (it was near St. Patricks Day, for Jay is festive) but mostly they are unabashedly pink.

5) He’s recently adopted a lisp, which is new (for spring, perhaps?) and very much an affectation. Unless he just had dental work done that I don’t know about…can an oddly placed tooth cause that?

All of this is compelling evidence, no? I mean, you might wonder why I’m posting this. Here’s the thing – he’s CONSTANTLY talking about his girlfriend. With great enthusiasm. And frequently. SO frequently, in fact, that I wonder if she’s, like, a Canadian girlfriend?

And of course, at some point earlier, between his feats of dexterity and ever changing hair, I should have just asked. But now, it’s been too long and with all of this talk of the girlfriend, it just feels awkward.

Rod, will you go to the bank with me? I hear your gay-dar is perfect, and I need help. And then we can go for drinks!