It's all in the amenities

This weekend, Marc and I trotted off to a wedding of a client of mine. She's become a friend over the years and I was honored to be a part of her day. (Hi Cares! Hope you're having fun in Hawaii! You were so stunning as a bride that you made my mascara run!)

Anyhoo, the wedding was at a private vacation home on a bluff overlooking the ocean. It was one of those ridiculously beautiful properties that made you wonder 1) what these people did for a living, 2) where does one sign up for such a job and 3) sweet god what does their REGULAR home look like? Understandably, the owners did not want some 130-odd people trouncing throughout their home to use the toilets, and so the bride and groom had brought in two porta-potties for the occaision.

I have a long standing relationship with porta-potties, meaning that I use them as much as Sarah Palin has been out of the country - almost NEVER. (ZING!) But I also have a long standing relationship with open bars. I love them deeply and the adult beverages that spring forth from behind their shiny fronts. And so at some point my bladder was going to have to take care of what was sloshing around inside of it. Marc had also been enjoying the open bar and, knowing my position on porta-potties, decided our best bet was a group bathroom expedition.

So off we went. And IN we went. The stalls were side by side, joined by a vent enabling you to know just how your neighbors gastrointestinal situation was coming along. Let's just say that Marc was impressed with the amenities as his soliloquy started as soon as he went in and didn't stop until he had flushed. Behold:

"Wow! This is a REALLY nice shitter! I have perfume and lotion and gum and mouthwash and tampons - I'll take one for you just in case you need a tampax later - and mints and the toilet paper is really nice and soft and did you see how you can actually flush so that it won't smell? And no one has used the mouthwash yet so I'm going to - gurgle gurge gurgle - and now my breath will smell better than yours! This is a GREAT shitter!"

And then he exited, all smiles and with what was, in fact, great breath. Of course, throughout the rest of the evening, he would lean over at regular intervals and go "DO YOU NEED A TAMPAX? Because I have one, just in case! Or GUM?! I have GUM!"

We took another bathroom trip later with our friend Jeff in tow and I turned to him before he went in and said "Marc was very impressed by the toilet situation...I hope yours is just as fulfilling." And I KID YOU NOT as the door started to close on Jeff I heard him say "WOW! This is a REALLY nice shitter!"

Who knew that all you needed to do to get men so excited was to put a basket full of goodies in the bathroom? I totally know what I'm getting Marc for Christmas this year.