Missed opportunities

I had an incident in the freezer section of Trader Joe's the other day. Incident might be too strong of a word since that conjures up images of something bordering on the illegal (which might not shock to any of you regular readers). It was more of a strange happening.

Semantics aside, I was busy trying to find a certain type of soy ice cream when I was approached by an older gentleman who came rushing up to me with purpose. He grabbed my arm, leaned in too close, wafting his strong garlic breath right into my face, and simultaneously shoved his business card into my hand. The following then spilled forth, his enthusiasm causing drops of spit to gather at the edges of his mouth:

"HI I'M JAKE. I'M YOUR LOCAL BUILDER. I SPEAK ENGLISH, FRENCH AND SPANISH. ALL OF MY WORKERS ARE BONDED AND INSURED. I GIVE OIL PANTING LESSONS. YOUR SUNGLASSES ARE NICE. I TEACH PIANO, GUITAR AND TUBA. TWO OF MY WORKERS ARE SKILLED CARPENTERS." He stopped, finally, chest heaving as the above had come out in one, ALL CAPS, explosive breath.

I was trying to process all of this information as he was clearly waiting for a response, and all that I could say was "Well, good for you with all of those languages and skills!" which was, of course, the lamest response. I SHOULD have said "TUBA? SIGN ME THE HELL UP!" because I'm always looking for ways to irritate Marc, and a spirited rendition of the Star Spangled Banner on the tuba first thing in the morning might be fun to try. It would, at the very least, wake him the fuck up. Who needs coffee?

Sorry, tangent.

Alas, he had scampered off to assault his next victim, a woman who looked like she was ready to wallop him over the head with her organic cucumber. I sighed, thinking of my own resume which doesn't include anything nearly as colorful and headed, deflated, to the check out line.

I looked at his business card later that day which was filled with typos, included his language skills and some fetching drawings of homes that were cartoon-ish in nature, at best. Funny, though, no mention of the tuba. In my opinion, that was his biggest selling point.