Small Game Hunter

My dog Kylie has many, lovely characteristics…for instance, she never poops in the house, sleeps through the night and has the best smelling head on earth. I’m not kidding...that patch of fur between her ears is my own personal nirvana, and if you think I’m crazy, then you’ve never taken a whiff.

What isn’t so lovely, however, is her tendency to hunt and kill small animals. Her current roster looks like this:

3 - rats
1 - hawk
2 - skunks
2 - opossums
2 - squirrels (almost)
1 - crow

A few weeks ago, we had a banner week…two animals over the course of 5 days, which even I find impressive. Not that I like having my backyard littered with carcasses, mind you, but I kind of feel like high-fiving her each time she comes in all excited over her latest conquest. The most unpleasant part, however, is the fact that she completely eviscerates the animals, which, while a nice snack for her, tends to come up later in the form of vomit, sometimes on my feet as she likes to be THIS close when feeling unwell. (After which she looks up at me as though to say “Well, THAT was unpleasant…more for you, though” as I wipe entrails off of my foot).

So today, on our walk, she was off leash and I saw her suddenly take off after what I presume was a bunny, what with all of the frantic hopping and floppy ears. And I thought to myself “Great, I’m going to be late for work because I’m going to have to wrestle a small, woodland creature from my dogs jaws” after which I noted “Who has to THINK these kinds of thoughts before lunch?” Fortunately, her efforts were futile and after some half-hearted clapping and hollering of “Kylie, COME” from me, she returned, tongue hanging down to her knees, exhausted.

I think if Kylie had her way, our entry hall would be an homage to her kills, animal heads mounted on the wall so that when company came over she could lead them through her exploits. And I sometimes wonder, on those days where she doesn’t get a sufficient walk or attention or whatever it is she deems necessary to her happiness, if she doesn’t think “The next time my blond person bends down to sniff my head, I’m seriously going to take her out…I need to add ‘1 - human’ to my list.”

You never know.