Can't we just stick a finger in it?

So I’ve sprung a leak, internet. The incessant rain finally got to my house and I’m now falling asleep to the gentle slip-slop of rain falling INTO A BOWL IN MY HALLWAY. Let’s not go into the myriad of reasons as to why someone would build a house with a flat roof with no drainage at the top, (because then we would have to question one’s sanity in buying such a structure…what? I was high on the thought of being able to paint the walls any color I wanted!) and no easy way to get TO said roof without risking life and limb. Seriously. Two years ago Marc had to get up there to clear off pine needles and even he wet his pants a teeny tiny bit.

I’ve been waiting for something like this to happen and each winter have looked up at the high, high ceilings (the house is only two stories with a TALL ceiling upstairs…don’t get me started on how all of the heat gets trapped up in that vacuous, unused space overhead) wondering if I was going to wake up to a water stain after a rainstorm, the moisture bleeding across the once pristine surface. That day arrived and now I find myself dashing out into the hallway every few moments to see if I’m going to have drywall hanging down around my ears, although in this new Depression and with the arrival of the Gulag times, it would at least be era appropriate.

So far, the ceiling is staying put and I’m just hoping that the bulge that has increased over the past few days will stay as is. I am one of those people who holds onto an insane hope that things will rectify themselves if I just give them time. Car making funny noises? Perhaps it just needs a few days off. Toilet flushing weird? Speak nicely to it when you press down the handle. Fridge on the fritz? It’s just upset that we’re not stocking it with organic produce. As though somewhere there exist Gods of Household Electronics and Machinery that will reward my good behavior and kindness by magically fixing appliances that often need mechanical intervention. So today, when I was explaining my problem to a client, she said “Oh, I have a roofing guy if you need a referral,” my response was “Meh, don’t you think it will be fine if I just let it dry out and see if it sort of, I don’t know, disappears?” I couldn’t understand why she raised one eyebrow at me and rewarded her impertinence with extra arm work. Regardless, something needs to be done, otherwise when the next rainstorm hits, I’m going to be asking you, internet, if you know of a Dutch Boy for hire. He’d probably be cheaper than a new roof…unless there’s a Union involved.