This website makes your booty go POW!

I spent the weekend allowing my intestines to recover from the gluttony that was Thanksgiving and losing a Scrabble game to Mike. Online, no less, because I made it my mission not to wear pants this weekend, which would, of course, prevent me from leaving the house. Oh evil waistband! How the turkey I consumed doth protest against your unyielding tightness!

But by Sunday evening, hunger returned and so I went to the fridge, which only offered a yawning abyss of emptiness and a small jar of mustard. Seeking sustenance, I hauled on some pants and left for the market. It was a quick trip – I picked up the necessary items and headed for the register. On my way, I noticed that the new In Style was out with Heidi Klum on the cover. Heidi! With her pretty hair and teeth and German-ness! She says auf widersehen, I say ausgezeichnet!

Anyhoo, I marched on to the check out line only to hear “HEY LADY HEY LADY!” being hollered behind me. I turned to see a small, Chinese man running after me, waving a piece of paper that happened to be a subscription card…you know the kind that fall all over your kitchen floor when you’re opening a new magazine? I hate those things. “YOU DROP THIS!” he said, I think making up for his accent with volume. “Thank you” I said, taking the card and putting it back into the magazine. I smiled and turned to go, but he wasn’t finished.

“YOU HAVE NICE SEAT!” he said.
“Excuse me?”
“NICE SEAT. YOU KNOW, BOTTOM!”
“What?” I was perplexed and also, without thinking, clutched at my ass.
“IT ROUND AND NICE!” at which he turned to the side and made a half circle around his own butt, making the shape of a rear whose largess I hope to never mimic. “IT GO POW!” he continued, pumping his small fist into the air.

I was at a loss. If, in fact, my booty did go pow, I wouldn’t expect an elderly Chinese man to sing its praises in the middle of the dry cereal aisle. But, you know, I’ll take what I can get. “Thanks!” I said. “I guess I’ll keep doing my squats!” He laughed, clearly not understanding what I meant and left.

But now I know what to ask when I’m trying on jeans. It’s not about your butt looking big but if it, indeed, goes POW! How much better will that make pants shopping? Am I right? You’re welcome!