The Charming Box: It's not what you think.

So my friend Angie, of the pretty hair and many cats, has found a mail order husband from Uzbekistan and is to pay him 250 Uzbeks and 12 goats to marry her in October! Actually, that isn’t true: her darling boyfriend, Mike, proposed to her last November on a beach in Australia. It was all very romantic and involved walks and star-gazing and many, many drinks. And Angie almost missed it because she didn’t FEEL like taking the walk and Mike practically had to drag her and she was all, “But, WAH! my FEET hurt” and he was all, “Shut up, DUDE…I’m trying to propose here” and she was all, “Wait, WHAT!?” Although when people ask me, I’m totally going to stick with the mail order story, because I find it amusing…especially the part about the goats. Whatever! Don’t scorn me! I haven’t been sleeping well.

Our friend Sabeen decided that the right thing to do would be to throw an engagement party, because, you know, WINE. And I proclaimed myself her bitch. So planning ensued, and we found a place and blah blah blah. Sabeen and I decided that we ought to make the place more wedding’y. The problem being that both of us were somewhat delinquent brides, which I mean in the nicest sense. I planned my entire nuptials in about one week and spent most of the time complaining about how HARD it was and how my HAIR HURT just thinking about things like FLOWERS. I wasn’t in school that day when they taught you to be a girl. I would have happily eloped, though I think my parents would have written me out of the will and I’m sort of planning on cashing in on those two. HA! KIDDING!

Anyway, Sabeen called me and said, “I’ve heard of this thing called a guest book…should we have one for the party?” And I said, “Nah…I think that ought to be saved for the wedding.” But a thought sprang forth. Once, when I was forced to read a Martha Stewart Weddings against my will, I saw this idea wherein the guests would write a little something on a card, be that advice, or a memory or Thoughts On Love, and stow it in a charming box. The cards would then later be given to the happy couple. You know, something they could Cherish Forever. I shared this with Sabeen who said, “BRILLIANT!” and I believe exhaled, both of us worried about not properly ushering Mike and Angie into the realm of fiancee-dom.

WELL.

As Angie said, after the party, which was hilarious, and fun and rather wine-soaked, we ought to never give our friends wide berth. You see I had written, next to the charming box, “Please write down a memory or thought for the couple! Be creative!” That mandate was FAR too broad. Observe:

“That Mike dude has a sweet ass crack!”
“I remember when I had my first three way with Angie and Mike!”
“I think boys who love and collect Transformers are hot! And most likely hung!”
“Angie, you are a f***ing GENIUS! And a slut for beating me at Boggle!”
“Mike rules!”

And these are the tame ones. There are references to donkey shows, dragging one another around by the hair and a picture of what I can only surmise to be two penis’. But this is not that kind of website, so you’ll have to go elsewhere for that kind of jolly fun.

So while these were not the kind of Tender Thoughts that I was hoping for, I can’t wait to somehow put them together so that Angie and Mike have something to remember just how ridiculously happy we all were to celebrate the open bar their upcoming wedding. Y’all might want to consider a dry reception.