Auf weidersehen, 2009

I keep reading all of these posts pointing to the end of this year, this decade. They address their best of, worst of, what rocked the nation and what we'll remember going into 2010. I've been sitting here trying to come up with some dramatic thoughts regarding 2009s end and have come up short. A friend asked me if I was going to do a list like last year, and I don't think I will. I've been bathing in some sort of cerebral melancholy for the past few days and I think a list would include a lot of emotional dribble that would prompt you to phone me up and inquire as to whether or not I've been sleeping properly. Which I have. Thank you.

This year was difficult. And I say that with the knowledge that I have an extremely nice life, so I'm aware that my perspective of difficulty is somewhat different from the poor chap sleeping under the freeway. But I was looking over my posts from 2009 and they seem to be a blur of insomnia, general fatigue and me yelling, "NO REALLY! I PROMISE I'LL GET BACK TO THIS EVENTUALLY!" But I don't think I've totally recovered my verve and passion yet - some of it was squelched by professional disappointment, some just because I've had to focus so much of my energy on the healing process necessitated by an auto-immune disease.

I noticed that most of what I wrote this year was steeped in the pain of love lost...almost as though all of the heartache that I've tucked away over time needed to find an avenue out. There are some things I wrote that I just immediately banished into the far corners of my hard drive as reading them brought me back to a place that I thought I had recovered from and I'm not sure what any of that reveals. I suppose the silver lining in that is that I can mine my own psyche for material if I need it - but what? What does it indicate when one's gray matter pours out so much sorrow? It's puzzling. It's what marked most of 2009. Like the entire creative output of that year was covered with a veil of oft-hidden grief. As though somehow, there was no room for joy.

What do I hope for 2010? I hope to not only know but believe that I am brave. I hope to write more. I hope to have the energy to do so. I hope to get outside of myself and make the world I live in a more beautiful place. I'm on the edge of turning 34 and I'm very conscious of how very quickly time is moving forward. And I have felt, sometimes, like it moves forward without me. I want to grasp onto it and bathe in the deliciousness of my life. I want to love more, complain less, be an encouragement to those around me and be willing to admit when my spirit is broken. I want the blue hue of 2009 to lift and to move into a new decade with a spirit that is ready to be happy. I think I'm ready for that.