The tranny danced wide

So. I went to Zumba! last night as I do every Monday night. I've been very excited lately about attending the Monday class because a REAL TRANNY has been showing up with startling regularity which is SO EXCITING. Actually, the proper term for her might be transexual, as I do believe she is post op. I assume this only because she wears pants so tight that I'm worried about her ability to breathe and there is no way even the best tucking job could hide what a man is packing. There has been LOTS of surgery (and a very well done weave). The eyes, the nose, SWEET MOSES THE BOOBS which would put an eye out if you fell into them. She has yet, though, to do anything about the Adams apple that bobs up and down as she talks with a voice that is still lower than any woman that I know. It's distracting, this particularly male piece of anatomy that stares at you from a unnaturally female face.

I first spotted her a few weeks ago. She was vogue'ing in front of the mirror which was perplexing since most people sort of slouch into class and plop onto the floor to reserve their bit of space. She, however, posed in front of the mirror with great focus, pursing her inflated lips and moving this way and that. I sidled up behind her for a better view, and immediately grabbed my phone to text my friend something appropriate and mature like, "OMG U are going to be SO UPSET that you missed class! THERE IS A TRANNY!" My friend was, in fact, upset. The tranny wiggled her nonexistent hips. I updated my friend. The tranny executed a high kick, which didn't go as planned as she stumbled back and directly into me. This too, was reported, "Bish almost just TOOK ME OUT with a high kick! This class is going to ROCK!"

And indeed, it did. I decided to dance next to the tranny. For research purposes. Given her elaborate warm up routine, I was expecting her to bust out some serious moves, Tabitha and Napoleon style. It would appear, however, that her expertise didn't move past posing in front of the mirror. The tranny spent most of the class dancing to music that I believe only she could hear. I've never seen someone move in such a manner that I can only describe as both painful and spasmodic. She hit me twice while spinning while the rest of us squatted and kicked me twice while the rest of us spun. It was confusing and I left feeling deflated and very much in need of some ice for my limbs and a whiskey and someone to hold me. I texted my friend, "Tranny = hot mess. Hope she comes EVERY TIME. In pain. She kicked me. I love her."

So for the past few weeks I have kept my distance, dancing several rows behind her (when she has shown up...it's random but class just isn't the same when she's not there) and to the left so that she is still in my eye-line but out of flailing distance.

Last night, however, she flanked me.

I had claimed my turf, which is important given that class is packed and I need space to get my proverbial groove on. The music started and two songs in I felt something smack the back of my head and I turned to the right to see the tranny dancing next to me. I don't know how she crept into that spot, but I smiled and moved slightly to the left. She commenced some random arm gestures and followed. Perplexed, I moved forward. She pursued. The hour went on like this, with me billowing around the room like some flustered paper bag and her right behind, taking out her Monday's frustration on my shins and upper arms. Granted, I don't think she was doing this on purpose. As you dance, you sort of peripherally keep an eye on people and gravitate in whatever direction the group and your surrounding people go. So I understood. There was just no where to flee to, so I endured the onslaught and was relieved when the hour was over and I could return home and nurse my bruises.

But what I was recalling the entire time was this scene from Will & Grace, which was one of my favorite shows. Will and Jack were at a club and Jack, seeing someone he wanted to talk to instructed Will to save his spot on the dance floor. Will protested and said, "How the hell am I supposed to save you a spot?" to which Jack replied, "Dance wide, Will. DANCE WIDE." And then he demonstrated what he meant by flailing wildly so that no one would get near him thereby ensuring himself enough space. Being a good friend, Will danced wide, and I often think of this when I'm at a club. I thought of it last night after the tranny had hit me in the shoulder for the third time.

Because the tranny dances wide. VERY WIDE.

After class, I was gathering my things and the instructor came up to me and said, "You looked in pain through class...she hit you?" (I'm approximating his accent here. He's not retarded.) I laughed and said, "Yes, she seems to have her own thing going." He replied, "Yes...no rhythm. She dances like a white man. Which she was. So it makes sense."

CONFIRMED. And that's when the week took a turn for the awesome.