Wherein I explain why I've not been posting this week.

Did you know that I received three emails this week that said, basically, "Dude. Update." And you're right, I haven't been good about it. I've been busy. With what, I can't really tell you, only because I've forgotten. Why have I forgotten? Because I'm focusing on not collecting a stool sample.

You heard me.

This really, REALLY, passes into the territory of Things That I Do Not Want To Share, but I'm going to anyways. Because most of this week I've been staring at the box that says "STOOL PROFILES" on the side and almost praying for constipation so that I won't have to go chasing my poo around the toilet bowl and then ship it off to someone for inspection.

(Speaking of, who do you have to piss of to get THAT job? Is that the entry level position in any lab? "Well, son...everyone here has to learn the ropes. From the bottom up, so to say! Hahaha!" And then they get led to the table that has all of the poo that they are forced to inspect. I'm fairly sure EVERY day is a shitty day. HA! God. I'll be here all week. Tip your waitress.)

Anyways, you get this clever little tray that looks like something your fries come in - and if ever I needed a reason not to eat those hallowed, bits of potato wonders, the visual of said tray in use will come in handy. It's even decorated with these fetching red stripes:



You're encouraged to put on the enclosed gloves first. Then you do your business in the fry tray, collecting a good bit of "the specimen." It would then appear that you have to determine what type of poo it is, whether hard, formed, loose or watery. They have a handy chart, in case you should be confused - if your poo is having an identity crisis and not communicating its mood to you properly. Even poo's have bad days and don't feel chatty:


Then, using the enclosed spoon, you scoop your stool into the vials provided to the fill line. Apparently, there is great danger in overfilling these vials, as it is mentioned several times, "DEAR GOD DO NOT OVERFILL. And please screw on the cap tightly, thank you." Then you get to ship it off to that poor, UNDERPAID, lab rat who then tells your doctor exactly what it is that is going on with your bowels and intestines.

Poo. It's pretty wise stuff.

So I've spent much of the week ignoring this task. NOT doing this has taken up a lot of my energy, which is to say that between watching The Real Housewives Reunion, memorizing the rap section of Lady GaGa's Starstruck and NOT poo'ing in a fry tray, I've had little time to post. You'll have to forgive me. I'll get back to you once I've shipped off my poo. And my dignity.