...someone, some time ago gifted me with post it notes that had the most brilliant saying on the top. You might think that it's an odd gift, but I'm fluent in sarcasm and so the sentiment was very fitting and apt. I've used them judiciously over the past year and the other day was down to the very last one, which was placed on some paperwork to my insurance agent who not only ALWAYS mispronounces my name (even though I've been working with him for four years) but routinely loses my forms, something I've learned to combat by making copies and sending him several at a time...but I digress.
So today, I was irritated by a parking ticket I had to pay (b/c my stupid car was sticking ONE INCH into someones driveway in SF) and was scrambling for my sarcastic sticky notes so that I could include one with some detail on it...and alas! I had forgotten they were gone! But the sentiment isn't...I'm thinking of making it the tagline on my email:
"Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear intelligent until you hear them speak."
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
This is what girls talk about...
I am 100% positive that no man, gay or straight, has ever had an IM conversation like the one below, which took place this afternoon. Really.
Me: So, you're doing this wrap tomorrow - is it Bay Area Body Wraps?
Friend: Yes
Me: Ok, so, I'm peeing myself over here, b/c my friend did that...
Me: ...and they basically wrapped her up in like 7 parkas and had her run on a treadmill and then jump on a trampoline. I am NOT kidding you...she came out of there going "What the FUCK?"
Friend: Really?
Friend: I've never been there before.
Me: I'm so dead serious.
Friend: Maybe she did the like "lose fat" one or something??
Me: I think so...but I nearly wet myself with the visual or her being all bundled up and some little skinny thing going "Run, BITCH, RUN!" while she sweated away on a treadmill.
Friend: Exactly!
Me: Omg I want to come watch!!! Maybe they'll swath you in saran wrap and make you do jumping jacks!
Friend: Or you could come sit in the sauna.
Me: OR, I could just stay at home and have a glass of wine and wait for you to tell me about it...I'll go with that one.
Me: So, you're doing this wrap tomorrow - is it Bay Area Body Wraps?
Friend: Yes
Me: Ok, so, I'm peeing myself over here, b/c my friend did that...
Me: ...and they basically wrapped her up in like 7 parkas and had her run on a treadmill and then jump on a trampoline. I am NOT kidding you...she came out of there going "What the FUCK?"
Friend: Really?
Friend: I've never been there before.
Me: I'm so dead serious.
Friend: Maybe she did the like "lose fat" one or something??
Me: I think so...but I nearly wet myself with the visual or her being all bundled up and some little skinny thing going "Run, BITCH, RUN!" while she sweated away on a treadmill.
Friend: Exactly!
Me: Omg I want to come watch!!! Maybe they'll swath you in saran wrap and make you do jumping jacks!
Friend: Or you could come sit in the sauna.
Me: OR, I could just stay at home and have a glass of wine and wait for you to tell me about it...I'll go with that one.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
I'm really, very truly, not in my 20's anymore...
A few of us ventured out to see Jimmy Eat World in concert last night. It was held at the San Jose Event Center on the SJSU campus – ergo, there were a lot of college-aged kids there. I had one of those evenings in which I was reminded, somewhat painfully, of how long ago I was actually IN college (it's been TEN YEARS people) and how I’ve become so far removed from that part of my life. For instance:
1) I’ve been suffering from a knee injury for about three weeks…I was thinking of bringing my crutches last night (less for support and more so I would get the sympathy vote, an aisle seat and a free pass to the front of the line in the ladies room). My point is in days past, I would have definitely worn heels to a concert...wouldn't have dreamed of leaving the house in less than three inch footwear. Last night, I had flats on and had actually considered wearing tennies.
2) As we were making our way towards the venue, two cute little college girls came out of the dorm ahead of us and started walking hand in hand towards the concert. Besides bringing up hopeful lesbian fantasies amongst the boys in our group, I was struck by how they were wearing the flimsiest, tiniest of tops, while our group was swathed in sweaters, jackets and scarves. It was, after all, below 60 degrees - downright chilly to those of us CA natives. Again, in my younger years I would have done the same, because how are you going to pull a man in a parka? He needs to see your treats, despite the dangers of hypothermia or indecent exposure. Slut it up! Not me...I'll be over here in my flats.
3) After arriving at the concert, we made a beeline to the bar only to find that their finest brew was Budweiser…I mean, really? We were all scratching our heads at the lack of acceptable hard alcohol and wine (grown up drinks) while being pushed aside by the co-eds who were excited and nervous to see if their fake id’s were going to work. I had a moment where I recalled pouring a wine cooler (age 18) into a plastic water bottle on my way to a party in college…and then I thought, do they even MAKE wine coolers anymore?
4) Hopes of a decent beverage dashed, we went into the auditorium and found seats. SEATS. I realized about two years ago that I was old enough to sit down to enjoy shows. Gone are my days of pushing my way through a crowd to get to the front of the pack so that I can make eye contact with the lead singer (I love musicians…sue me). Gone are my days of crowd surfing (great way to get groped, ladies), accidentally pushed into a mosh pit or head banging. I work all day, am tired and want to sit my sorry ass down to listen to the concert that I just paid good money for. If you’re sitting in front of me, don’t stand because I will seriously cut you for blocking my view of the stage. Thank you.
5) Which brings me to the problem of having forgotten my glasses. Jimmy Eat World, I hear you are all very cute and the girl in front of me (who thankfully sat the entire time) professed to whomever would listen that she was planning on marrying the bass player…so great. Being somewhat blind, you were three (or four?) fuzzy objects bouncing around the stage all night. (p.s. – just looked them up…if the above girl gets her man, well done. They are, in fact, emo cute.)
6) I spent most of the night thinking “I wish to GOD I had brought some ear plugs.” I’ve been spending a lot of time today going “What?” to my clients. I'm slightly deaf in the right ear.
7) I’ve become a lot crankier about bands with little discernable talent. I mean honestly, I am not at ALL vocally gifted (except in the shower where I’m competition for Celine Dion) but I can tell when people ARE. The opener FOR the opener was Dear and the Headlights. Bad use of a pun aside, if you’d like to listen to some of their awesomeness you can look them up in iTunes, but I don’t suggest doing so unless you really hate yourself or have just consumed a strong tranquilizer. Seeing as we were neither medicated nor in self-deprecating moods, it was just a ½ hour of auditory misery and all of us coming up with different ways of saying “These guys SUCK.” My favorite came from Cory “I would be pissed to listen to these guys play for free in a bar!” Indeed.
8) From our lofty seats we had a full view of the crowd below…probably about 1,000 people who were all rocking out on the floor. Between the two visible mosh pits and the general crush of people, I turned to Mindi and said “How cranky would we be if we had to be down there?” to which she just said “Very!”
We are old, geriatric, the kind of people who should really only see shows in a civilized place like the Mountain Winery or our local rest home. But we're still cool for going to rock shows, right? What?
1) I’ve been suffering from a knee injury for about three weeks…I was thinking of bringing my crutches last night (less for support and more so I would get the sympathy vote, an aisle seat and a free pass to the front of the line in the ladies room). My point is in days past, I would have definitely worn heels to a concert...wouldn't have dreamed of leaving the house in less than three inch footwear. Last night, I had flats on and had actually considered wearing tennies.
2) As we were making our way towards the venue, two cute little college girls came out of the dorm ahead of us and started walking hand in hand towards the concert. Besides bringing up hopeful lesbian fantasies amongst the boys in our group, I was struck by how they were wearing the flimsiest, tiniest of tops, while our group was swathed in sweaters, jackets and scarves. It was, after all, below 60 degrees - downright chilly to those of us CA natives. Again, in my younger years I would have done the same, because how are you going to pull a man in a parka? He needs to see your treats, despite the dangers of hypothermia or indecent exposure. Slut it up! Not me...I'll be over here in my flats.
3) After arriving at the concert, we made a beeline to the bar only to find that their finest brew was Budweiser…I mean, really? We were all scratching our heads at the lack of acceptable hard alcohol and wine (grown up drinks) while being pushed aside by the co-eds who were excited and nervous to see if their fake id’s were going to work. I had a moment where I recalled pouring a wine cooler (age 18) into a plastic water bottle on my way to a party in college…and then I thought, do they even MAKE wine coolers anymore?
4) Hopes of a decent beverage dashed, we went into the auditorium and found seats. SEATS. I realized about two years ago that I was old enough to sit down to enjoy shows. Gone are my days of pushing my way through a crowd to get to the front of the pack so that I can make eye contact with the lead singer (I love musicians…sue me). Gone are my days of crowd surfing (great way to get groped, ladies), accidentally pushed into a mosh pit or head banging. I work all day, am tired and want to sit my sorry ass down to listen to the concert that I just paid good money for. If you’re sitting in front of me, don’t stand because I will seriously cut you for blocking my view of the stage. Thank you.
5) Which brings me to the problem of having forgotten my glasses. Jimmy Eat World, I hear you are all very cute and the girl in front of me (who thankfully sat the entire time) professed to whomever would listen that she was planning on marrying the bass player…so great. Being somewhat blind, you were three (or four?) fuzzy objects bouncing around the stage all night. (p.s. – just looked them up…if the above girl gets her man, well done. They are, in fact, emo cute.)
6) I spent most of the night thinking “I wish to GOD I had brought some ear plugs.” I’ve been spending a lot of time today going “What?” to my clients. I'm slightly deaf in the right ear.
7) I’ve become a lot crankier about bands with little discernable talent. I mean honestly, I am not at ALL vocally gifted (except in the shower where I’m competition for Celine Dion) but I can tell when people ARE. The opener FOR the opener was Dear and the Headlights. Bad use of a pun aside, if you’d like to listen to some of their awesomeness you can look them up in iTunes, but I don’t suggest doing so unless you really hate yourself or have just consumed a strong tranquilizer. Seeing as we were neither medicated nor in self-deprecating moods, it was just a ½ hour of auditory misery and all of us coming up with different ways of saying “These guys SUCK.” My favorite came from Cory “I would be pissed to listen to these guys play for free in a bar!” Indeed.
8) From our lofty seats we had a full view of the crowd below…probably about 1,000 people who were all rocking out on the floor. Between the two visible mosh pits and the general crush of people, I turned to Mindi and said “How cranky would we be if we had to be down there?” to which she just said “Very!”
We are old, geriatric, the kind of people who should really only see shows in a civilized place like the Mountain Winery or our local rest home. But we're still cool for going to rock shows, right? What?
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