Hall of horrors

Hello! I have had too many Mike & Ike's and while the sugar was coursing through my veins, I took pictures of our aesthetically challenged house. You know. Those photos I promised you last week? Before I came down with something we'll call a cold but felt more like pleurisy. Or consumption. Take your pick. Regardless, I finally took the photos and am ready to take you on a tour of Things That Will No Longer Be. Come along, won't you?

Let's start in the kitchen. The cabinets and counter tops will be torn out in about 10 days. And I will never again have to look at the birds. That are flying...where? It's hard to say. But they are directionally challenged and I have a hard time not stabbing myself in the eye each morning when I come down and look at them, flying without regard for my feelings all over the back splash. I wish I could tell you that the color, that lovely beautiful rust color, was a trick of the camera. Alas, someone actually thought it would be a good idea to install not only the tiles, but then a counter of a matching hue. THEY WILLINGLY CHOSE IT. To have poo colored birds and counters. They must have been hopped up on WAY more than Mike & Ike's. I'm doing your eyes a favor by only showing you a sliver of the place. You're welcome.

Let's move on to the cabinets, shall we? Again, so as not to offend, here is a mere glimpse. The 1980's came to roost and never left. We'll be watching movies from that era and either Marc or I will go, "Hey look! Our cabinets!" I'm sure if I looked hard enough, Tom Cruise would be lurking in a corner somewhere. I'd have to shoo him off to the Scientology center down the street because we really don't have the space to spare, no matter how small he is. And no, I didn't open the door in that jaunty manner so that you could get a better view of the veneer that covers the plywood doors. The door is ajar because it decided to stop shutting last week. Just like that. I think it knows its days are numbered and is expressing its displeasure. The door can just SUCK IT.

Behold! Our faucet! As faucets go, it's totally functional. It's also totally ugly. So OUT. OUT WITH YOU. It should be mentioned that we have some of the most awesome water pressure known to man. This faucet amplifies it somehow and we're often baptized by the enthusiastic spray of water that issues forth. It's not uncommon when we're having a dinner party to hear guests shriek, "WWWLLLLAAAHHHHHHGAH!" and then come out of the kitchen completely soaked down the front. They often make some succinct observation - "You have crazy strong water pressure." Indeed. So we'll be getting a deeper sink and a faucet to mitigate some of that flow. Again, you're welcome. AND MY GOD THOSE BIRDS ARE EVERYWHERE.

And then we come to the lights. We have three of these beauties that flew in from the planet Fluvenzorgen some 20 years ago, found out that Earth girls were easy and never left. Honestly. Beyond the problems I have with the person who BOUGHT this, I have an even bigger bone to pick with the person who DESIGNED it. They ought to have their colored pencils revoked immediately.

See? Here's one of the original little guys. Captain Fritz. He's coming off of a bender but has enough energy to say hello. He's the fleet commander and I find him in states of disrepair all over the house. I think he's figured out how to get into the liquor cabinet.

So the tour is now finished and I hope I haven't seared your eyes with the birds and the brown and the rust and the ugliness. To be quite frank, I'm just happy to have a home and a kitchen and all of the amenities that many other people do without. I ought not to be complaining about the flight patterns of my tile as we are fortunate to be able to call that tile our own - AND to be able to RIP IT OUT. It will be nice to have that gone. You'll all be invited over for dinner. You just might have to bring your own food. And eat outside. To keep the new kitchen clean.