A History of Annoyance

Yesterday, I was talking to my brother who had just made me aware of some freelancing work online. Applying for writing work online is about as fun as stabbing ones own eye out, which is to say NOT. But I have to keep myself in expensive heels and wine somehow, so I went and checked the site out. It seemed pretty straightforward until I came to the spot where they wanted a copy of my resume.

Um.

You see, I haven't had to think about one of those in a very, VERY long time. Like, seven years. In fact, I couldn't even find a copy of my old one to update and slap up on the website. This struck me as funny and also rather stupid since I used to work for a recruiting company and was often waist deep in resumes. So, I thought, how hard can this be? I'll just make a new one! And I did! In about 20 minutes. And it's not really any better or worse than the resumes that used to come across my desk on a regular basis. Except those people were trying to be CEO's and so had fancy things like MBA's and PhD's. And sometimes several other letters that were in ALL CAPS. Posers.

So I made a resume and got that shit up there. And then I thought to myself, what if I wrote what I REALLY thought about all of my past jobs? So I did, but just for myself. Here. Enjoy.

EXPERIENCE:

Pilates Instructor
I spend most of my day barefoot, which is pretty nice. I get to boss people around all day and they listen without question. My biggest worry is that someone will fart at an inappropriate time during their session. This happens at least once a week, but I’ve taught myself to NOT burst into laughter when it does occur which I think shows tremendous growth.

Some Internet Company
CEO and HR and PR Bitch. It was the dot.com era, baby. I did it all.
Have I ever told you how the CEO of this company was a furry? No joke. He dressed up in stuffed animal outfits with his girlfriend and would have sex. I know this because I went over to his house before a photo shoot to tidy up with the other PR bitch and the two outfits were strewn across the bed. We were afraid to touch anything. Also, one of the BizDev hotshots pressed me up against the copier one time and said how my skirt did perfect things to my ass. I elbowed him in the ribs, HARD, and then put in a complaint with HR about him immediately, but it WAS a good skirt. He tried to friend me on Facebook and I took GREAT pleasure in hitting the IGNORE button. I also got poo’d on by a girl who came in high off of her ass after a particularly long lunch with the finance guys. She passed out in the bathroom and while I was trying to drag her out from underneath the stall where she was choking on her own vomit, she lost control of her bowels. In my hand. That was not a great day.

Some Executive Search Firm
EA & Research Assistant
Essentially worked with a search team. I started out as the assistant, but my boss realized that I sucked at it and so said, Do research! I said, Ok! without really ever checking as to what that meant. I spent the rest of my time there trying to figure out how to read whatever the computer spit out at me and getting paid way too much money to do it. Really, I used this time to hone my business casual wardrobe. I can take anything from office to drinks, ladies, should you ever need help in that area of your closet.

Some Antiques Dealer
Art Restoration
Restored antique art for private dealer who was drunk all of the time. His penis made several appearances since he always walked around in his bathrobe which continuously came undone. His son skulked about and was often high on cocaine. He asked me out once and I said no, because hadn’t he ever seen those commercials from the 80’s where they put the egg in the frying pan and said, “This is your brain on drugs!”? I mean by my calculations his gray matter was almost completely pulverized and I didn’t have time for his fathers penis AND an idiot all in one lifetime. That’s asking a lot.