No more rhyming now, I mean it! Anybody want a peanut?

So I spent most of the Lord’s Day inspecting my pores in a magnifying mirror and cleaning out my fridge. Clearly, I’m living on the edge. Though I can safely say with the onset of middle age that my pores have expanded to such a size, should I ever need a place to keep my spare change, I have a few built in pockets on my face. Don’t ask me why I was spending so much time with my skin inches away from a mirror. It had a lot to do with a renegade bottle of wine (which is most definitely NOT on my current health plan, but since my doctor doesn’t read this, I figure I’m safe) and too much time. Also, my manservant doesn’t work on the weekends, hence my foray into the fridge. It’s alarming what lies beneath my collection of jams and mustards. I donned a pair of gloves (which made me look as though I was primed to administer a rectal examination) and got to work. Two hours later I had a pristine icebox, the glories of which I would post here if I weren’t sure that it would wreck your week given its mind-boggling perfection.

I spent Thursday night with my sister, Steph, and she shared a little idea with me that I’m considering installing in my own home. Apparently, one of her friends takes photographs of how she would like her cupboards to look and tapes the pictures to the insides of the doors so that her husband and children will know what goes where. I immediately clapped my hands together and said “THAT IS GENIUS!” Steph agreed and we toasted our Type A Neurotic Tendencies that we’re sure stem from our mother and her German Heritage. It’s nice to know that when people point at us and ask, “From where comes your crazy?” that we have such a definitive place at which to direct the blame. I’m considering using this photo method of instruction in several different places with helpful captions lest there be confusion - How to Load the Dishwasher: Leave Room Between the God Damned Silverware. Where the Pots and Pans Go: It’s Not in the Oven! The Proper Stacking of Tupperware: Keep the Lids With the Proper Container for Christ’s Sake. I’ll make an album of sorts. It would be helpful for everyone and bring my blood pressure down, ergo a win-win all around. Admittedly, this is my version of porn, pictures of all of my cupboards in pristine condition...the thought of everyone following suit and putting things in their rightful place makes me want to get naked immediately.

So it was a good weekend. I watched the Princess Bride again, which I haven’t done in years, and decided that this is my new litmus test for whether or not I will befriend new people. If you do not like that movie, I shall wish a pox on you. If you love it, we are most likely soul mates and you will have my undying love. I once said to a friend “Never get involved in a land war in Asia!” and she looked at me like I had two heads. We no longer speak. My brother and I have that entire movie memorized and spent the rest of the night exchanging texts with various bits of dialogue that have become lodged in our gray matter over our lifetimes. It’s safe to say that we are nerds. But we are nerds that know the three secrets of the Fire Swamp…can you say the same?